The golden silence which would descend upon the world if people only said things they knew to be true.

I really think 'Love' needs to be defined* before it should ever be used in a conversation.

First off: is love a noun or a verb?

Depends on your perspective. Some people use it almost exclusively as a noun. Or maybe, at best, an adjective - to describe themselves. "I'm in love." means that they have placed themselves physically in some noun. It's a static thing, a place of 'being'. A description of 'self'.

To me 'love' is a verb. And of course verbs are action words. To me 'love' is not something you are 'in', but something you 'do'. (And I guess I should throw in here what I actually consider the word 'love' to mean. To me, love is caring more about the other person's well-being - which is not necessarily their immediate happiness, by the way - than you care about your own needs and wants. "No greater love than to lay down your life for another..." and all that. There is an element of sacrifice to love.)

But quite honestly, I think the world would be a much better place if we could just eliminate the use of the word 'love', and make people think about what they're trying to say instead. Using the word 'love' is just too easy and the word itself has far too many connotations and opportunities for misinterpretation. Some people use "I love you" as an means of getting what they want - grease on the wheels of the relationship. And, even worse, sometimes it's used as a conditional statement "If you loved me ..." That's not love.

For too many people it's used as an excuse - to explain or justify their actions. As a reason for doing something hurtful and insensitive. "I wasn't thinking - I was in love."

I'm sorry. That's just wrong. Love shouldn't excuse lack of thought - Love should produce thoughtful actions.

So, instead of just blurting out 'I love you', or even 'Jesus loves you', at every opportunity, maybe people should put some action out there and show love instead. I don't need to hear my parents, my husband, my child say "I love you" - because I know they do, through every action, every word. And I think they know I love them - because of my actions. I try to show love in every action. But if someone says "I know what love is" but their actions don't back that up - it cheapens the relationship, and more importantly, abuses the word 'love' - cheapens it into something less than what it should really mean.

Talk is cheap. And so, apparently, is love. And love, in my definition of the word, is anything but cheap.

(*My daughter likes to look things up in WikiHow - here's what they have to say, but I note that after the first definitions it concentrates on 'romantic' love, which is only one aspect of love. Not all love is eros. But they've got 'love' under the subcategory of 'dating', so I guess I shouldn't be surprised ... )

[originally posted 10-10-2006]

I was looking for a definition of the word 'maturity', and, surprisingly to me, I could not find one that matched my own definition of the word.

This is typical of what I found:


maturity
n 1: the period of time in your life after your physical growth
has stopped and you are fully developed [syn: adulthood]
2: state of being mature; full development [syn: matureness]
[ant: immaturity]
3: the date on which a financial obligation must be repaid
[syn: maturity date, due date]

I guess what I was looking for was a definition that talked more about mental attitudes and development rather than physical attributes or chronological maturity.

So I guess I shall have to write my own definition of maturity.

To me, real maturity has nothing to do with age. A certain amount of physical development does have to take place - according to psychologists there is a certain development of the capacity of thought - increased access to the various portions of the brain capable of higher thought takes place as a person physically matures.

But it is impossible to equate being a certain age with 'being mature'.

Maturity isn't about how much we know. Maturity is admitting we don't know everything. Maturity is a willingness to communicate with others in a calm and controlled manner, without accusations and anger. To listen and really try to HEAR what the other person is saying. To speak in a manner that others can readily understand. Maturity is the ability to hear and recognise the truth and live with it. Maturity is the ability to speak the truth. Maturity does not require deception or deceit. Maturity doesn't require that there always be a winner and a loser.

Maturity is taking responsibility for our own actions and our own future. Maturity means taking the blame when we screw up. The ability to say 'It was my fault.' or 'I was wrong.' Maturity means the ability to make decisions for ourselves, but also living with the consequences of those decisions. Maturity means being self confident enough to know that one mistake does not ruin a life. Maturity is learning from our mistakes and then moving on. Maturity means not having to tear someone else down in order to build yourself up. Maturity means celebrating other people's successes, and empathising in their failures.

Maturity is having foresight. To be able to act proactively instead of just reactively. It is the ability to pass up immediate pleasure to realise greater long term gain. Maturity means the ability to pick and then focus on a goal. The ability to stick by a decision. Maturity means following through on your promises. Maturity knows not to make promises we cannot keep. Maturity is patience and perseverance. Maturity means being productive instead of just exploring endless possibilities but accomplishing nothing.

Maturity means discarding alibis, excuses and blaming others. Maturity is being ourselves and not what someone else expects us to be. Maturity is realising that our actions have effects on others beyond our capacity to understand - both immediate and long term.

But most of all, maturity is not an end result. You don't arrive at maturity and then just get to stop. Maturity is a way of living each and every day.

---

This is why I like quotes: I spent a good hour writing all that out, and then found this, which says almost the same thing, yet so much more succinctly:

"In positive terms, we can state that psychological maturity entails finding greater satisfaction in giving than in receiving; having a capacity to form satisfying and permanent loyalties; being primarily a creative, contributing person; having learned to profit from experience; having a freedom from fear (anxiety) with a resulting true serenity and not a pseudo absence of tension; and accepting and making the most of unchangeable reality when it confronts one." - William C. Menninger

[originally posted 12-28-2005]

Every once in a while I come across a web site that says, so much better than I can possibly imagine, some of the things that I try to convey here.

This is one such site.

It talks about a process of self awareness, followed by self acceptance, becoming who you want to be (after accepting who you are), happiness, and love, encompassing honesty and all those other things I spout off about so ineffectually here.

Just go, start at the beginning (at the top of the index on the left), and work your way through, reading, understanding, thinking, contemplating. It's not a quick read - if you actually take the time, it'll be quite a long process. Practically a lifetime. But it's worth it, I think.